A New Journey

I’m realizing something that I haven’t wanted to admit to myself. I have been living with one foot in recovery and the other foot in relapse for years now. I half ass try recovery, then I fall into relapse and let my eating disorder take back over. Over and over I’ve been stuck in this sick cycle for years. I haven’t been giving my full effort and I know it. I’m not going to say I’ve been able to give 100 percent all the time, but somewhere in me I know I haven’t been trying as hard as I could.

I’m still stuck in the “I’m not sick enough to deserve recovery” frame of mind. Not sick enough to be considered anorexic, no longer sick enough to be considered bulimic I’ve been diagnosed with ednos. I know that I am in all reality worse off and in more danger from my eating disorder than ever, but I can not help not feeling sick enough.

I’m just now making my new years resolution. I know, almost a month late and I usually don’t make them. This year I’m going to make it my job to give recovery my all. I’m going to start small. First thing, I’m going to stop writing down my calories. I still plan to write down what I eat, just not with the calories because the counts tend to make me feel worse. Baby steps, I’m starting today.

I plan on writing about my journey to recovery and self acceptance here. I am not sure if I’m going to make a separate blog for this or not. If I do, I will post the link here.

Update. A real one this time.

My thoughts and anxiety are choking me. I’m super nervous about my next therapy appointment. I’ve been totally honest in my mood chart. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts again. Its been a long while since I’ve felt with those and I’m freaking out a little bit about showing my therapist my mood chart on Tuesday. Yes, not until Tuesday and I’m freaking out already. It doesn’t help that I haven’t even been able to tell W yet. I don’t know if I can. Fuck.

Even with this crap, I’m still looking forward to the appointment. I need to talk things out. Figure out why I’m feeling this way. I’m tired of it. While my hallucinations are gone, this medication seems to not be doing much for my moods anymore. I’ll say this though, that’s allowing me to write.

I just wish I could level my moods out more. I’ve been in what I think is a mixed episode. Depressed as hell, but not being able to get to sleep and manic creativity mixed with extreme illogical rage. Its exhausting.

Sorry for the downer update. Hope you all are doing well.

This girl. A poem.

You see that girl walking down the street?
She’s wearing the blue sundress, smiling,
No one knows the pain she’s hiding,
Inside she feels broken,

This girl, she hasn’t looked in the mirror in weeks,
She can’t stand her reflection,
She picks at her food and eats less and less,
Trying to improve what she sees,
but her brain is tricking her,

This girl, she’s hides her feelings,
She’s contemplated suicide, and tried in the past,
She feels like a failure, weak,
All because she has never had the strength to do it right,

This girl, she has a war going on inside her,
Recovery vs an eating disorder,
Isolation and giving into her depression vs trying,
Leave the house or give into agoraphobia,

This girl, she panics over the smallest things,
She fights a boiling anger every day,
Her outlets are failing her,
She is breaking and fights giving it all up,

This girl, she is confused,
She is exhausted from her battles,
Her armor is cracking,
Revealing a raw and wounded soul,
This girl is me.

Update time? Short

So I know it has been a while since I’ve written. I’m sorry. I have honestly been so busy since getting back from Arizona. Appointment after appointment. I have a neurologist appointment set up, tomorrow I’m getting an appointment set up with the stomach doctor for my acid reflux. I’ve been going to physical therapy and I’ve got another appointment with my mental therapist. I also thought of a new book concept and started writing on it. I’m very excited about it. Its coming along nicely. I’m over 20 pages in so far, pre-editing stage by the way.

Ed is back with a vengeance now. I fucking hate it too. Its affecting my physical therapy because I get so dizzy. I’ve been coloring though, which helps. My mom bought me a bunch of coloring books for adults. They’re a lot of fun.

My brain isn’t working right today. Short post. I love you all.
Peace.

Holidays

So I managed to completely ignore Ed on vacation. I have no clue how many calories I ate, I didn’t even write down what I ate to calculate it later. I only weighed myself to weigh our checked luggage for the flight back. I have no idea what my real weight is right now and that terrifies me. I’m going to weigh in in the morning. If I don’t, I will be so much harder on myself.

I think I’m back down to my usual calorie count from day to day. I’m bruised to hell right now. My shoulders/ collar bones are both turning purple, I bruised my back, my sit bones, and sprained my wrist. This on the trip back from the airport. 3 bus rides, 4hours 30minutes on busses, about 2 hours waiting for the buses. I’m in so much pain and I know I’ve burned way more than I’ve eaten today, yet I’m terrified of eating more food.

I’m making food right now anyways. Its almost done and I’m about having a damned panic attack, but I’m going to eat it. At least this bit of food, I will eat.

Flashbacks

I had a flashback last night. Bed springs crashed in my ears  like thunder and took me back to the most painful night of my life. I won’t go into detail, but it was a full on flashback, my body felt like it snapped back there. I broke down. I cried for probably an hour, fell asleep and into a night terror within minutes that snapped me into another flashback. I got sick, puked up the little bit in my stomach, then got a bloody nose that lasted a half hour.

Last night, I went from bliss to PTSD induced panic and terror. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep, tops. I felt sick and still feel quite sick today. I’m fairly certain I got a knick in my throat somewhere, maybe the esophagus. I’m exhausted, but overly alert today. Manic episodes and PTSD don’t mix well.

We’re heading out in 2 days for the airport, getting on a plane early morning in 3 to visit my mom. I’m excited and beyond nervous at the same time. Anxiety. So much anxiety, about everything. I really hope I don’t have an attack like last night while I’m down there. Too exhausting. I want to sleep for a week, if I could sleep.

Plans for the trip, zoo, walks, tattoo, maybe a hike. Staying a night at L’s to see her, her fiancé and my beautiful goddaughter. Today, we lock up our valuables with the landlord and I want to try to finish packing.

Yoga. Yoga might help break me out of this fog. I hope.
Peace.

Victories

So I want to update and mark this as an upslide. Before I forget how I want to word this, here’s a huge victory. I had breakfast this morning, although that is a big victory in and of itself, there’s more. I had minimal anxiety. I still weighed and measured, but I looked at my usual portion that I would have and I actually thought to myself “that’s not going to be enough”. I doubled it, and I am comfortably full, and not stressing or having anxiety over food at the moment. I ate the food very mindfully, enjoying it. I actually feel happy, which considering how I was feeling when I woke up, is a bit of a surprise to me. I’m proud of myself for eating a good sized breakfast and doing so mindfully, and for recognising that my normal portion was too small and actually accepting that.

Since my last update to y’all, I’ve gone to a doctors appointment and I’ve been started on a new medication. Geodon I think is the brand name. So far, this is only day 2 really, I think its helping. I can’t say for sure, but I can say my hallucinations are not as intense or as clear looking. As I am sick, my brain is still quite foggy, but my thoughts are clearing up.

Oh, and I finally got to bring up meal planning. My doctor is going to look over the meal plan from Rosewood, consult with a dietitian, and revise it, make some changes. So I should have an actual meal plan to follow soon. Since I know as much as I want them to, every meal and snack will not go as well as this mornings breakfast, I am looking forward to having a meal plan to follow again. My doctor spotted and pointed out the problem I was having with the old plan, too much fiber. I felt overfull and sick all the time on it and that’s why. Way too much fiber.

I think too much grain too, wheat and rice have always been staples in my diet, having grown up in an Asian and Irish household. That and I have a mainly vegetarian diet, with mostly just chicken and seafood added in, I eat wheat bread if I have bread, and my main other grain is still rice. Noodles are usually wheat or rice as well. Its just how I eat because of how I was raised, I naturally get loads of fiber from my food choices.

Anyways, my meal plan is finally being revised. I’m doing better, feeling a bit more level again though sick. Sore throat, dizzy, migraine, probably getting a slight fever too.

Gonna get back to the day now though. Wanted to share victories.

Peace.

She Turned Into Stone

And so alone inside her head,
She falls apart again,
On the outside, stone faced,
She pushes away her food,
Opting for liquids instead,
Over and over,
This is her silent way,
Showing she’s not okay,
And so again she retreats,
Falling into the depths of her mind,
Counting, counting counting,
Weigh in, weigh in, weigh in,
Silently screaming,
Trying hard to break away,
Trying hard to ask for help,
Trying so hard,
She reaches out,
Unable to grip the hands reaching back,
And so she retreats again,
Falling apart,
Pushing away the food,
Stepping on the scales,
Counting, counting, counting.

I hate this.

Guys, I feel like crying right now. Just laying in bed and crying for days. So the experiment of going off the olanzapine, well, I’m gonna have to stay off of it. I’m still getting the flutters in the chest but not as bad and the chest pain and dizziness levels are both back down more or less to where they were before. This unfortunately means that the medication was causing problems and god damn it I want to cry because that means I have to stay off of it. The only medication I’ve ever found that made me feel stable and normal. Mind you I’ve been on a lot of medications.

My hallucinations are already coming back and my mood is fast going back to the intense unbearable bullshit. I think that may be in part why I want to lay in bed and cry for days. My focus and my whole brain are starting to fog and fuzz again. I hate this. I’m writing this while I’m still semi clear in the head and hanging onto like, the last thread of focus I have.

I haven’t been able to tell if I’m now falling into a mixed, a manic, or a depressive episode. Might be too early to tell. I’m fairly sure its a mixed. I feel like I’m losing my shit again. I haven’t exercised in three days, I haven’t had the will or the energy and I have a cut on the bottom of my toe so every time it stretches, it pulls and stings, which is every time I walk. I just want to get on with getting on the next medication. Anything to make this go away. We have another option lined up because I do not cope well at all off of everything.

Its 5:30 and I want to go to bed just to be done with this day.